False We love you darling Ella to the moon and back My husband Anthony and I had been trying for a baby over 18 months so when on Friday the 3rd November 2006 we discovered that we were actually pregnant we were absolutely elated. In fact many emotions were felt that day I think – happiness, excitement, a little bit scared as we didn’t know what to expect as it was our fi rst pregnancy. We had decided to wait as long as possible to tell family and friends as we wanted to keep it just for us for a while. The plans we had been making all along were now at full steam ahead. Even though we had said we didn’t mind what we had so long as the baby was healthy - ( secretly I hoped for a girl!) We had planned the nursery, we had thought of names ... so much to do and so little time!!! ( And this was only the fi rst weekend!) I was feeling fi ne and then on Monday 13th/ Tuesday 14th Nov. I started vomiting. I thought it was just morning sickness but when it lasted for 3 whole days we went to the Doctor on Thursday 16th November. The Doctor told me that I had a condition called Hyperemesis gravidarum - means excessive vomiting during pregnancy. Hyperemesis occurs in about 1% of pregnancies. The condition causes uncontrollable vomiting, severe dehydration, and weight loss for the mother. However, Hyperemesis rarely causes problems for the unborn baby. The cause of nausea and vomiting during pregnancy is unknown but may be related to the level of certain hormones produced during pregnancy. I was admitted to the Maternity hospital that day. ( It was to be one of eight admissions to the hospital before Christmas). On admission I was hooked up to an IV of fl uids as I was severely dehydrated. Blood tests were run and anti- nausea medication was also put through the IV. The vomiting was severe – almost every 20 mins. The day after my fi rst admission I met my Gynecologist for the fi rst time … It was to be the fi rst of many visits from her. She sent me for my fi rst scan which showed all was ok with the baby. I began to feel somewhat normal after a few days and the vomiting stopped so I was allowed home. After 24 hours I was back in hospital again … this is the way it went right up to Christmas. I would be admitted , given fl uids and anti nausea medication and then I would go home only to be back again within 24 hours. I was allowed out of hospital on Christmas Eve and spent Christmas day at home with my wonderful husband. I managed to have a Brussels’ sprout, a piece of ham and a bit of potato for my dinner without being sick. I had two the other side of my chest. baby on the scan and said to us that he just wanted to get his colleague for a second opinion. When he left the room I asked Anthony why he needed a second opinion as I never thought for one moment something could be wrong. Both Doctors came in to the room. The other Doctor checked the baby on the scan and turned to me and said ‘ I’m sorry, there is no easy way to tell you this but there is no feotal heartbeat.’ I couldn’t believe what he was telling me. I will never forget those words as long as I live. Anthony just turned to him and said get my doctor now. They left and my doctor arrived after a few minutes. We were in shock. She scanned the baby and told us that the baby was gone. She was in shock as well. ( It was discovered later that there had been a tear in the placenta and the baby’s blood mixed with mine). I was brought back up to my room . We just sat there unable to comprehend what we had been told. We were numb. The midwife had only checked baby’s heartbeat that morning and it was fi ne. All the nurses who had nursed me for so long couldn’t believe it and were all so upset. My doctor sat with us for a while and then left and fairly good days at home. The day after St Stephan’s day I was admitted again … left out after a few days. When I went back in after New Year’s my Gynecologist said that she wasn’t leaving me home anymore until either the sickness stopped or the baby was born. Everyone kept telling me that the sickness would go at 14/ 15/ 16 weeks then it moved to 18/ 20 weeks but it just got worse. I was on IV fl uid & anti nausea medication continually and also vitamins by IV every few weeks. I was losing weight as I couldn’t keep any food or fl uids down so mid January Suzanne decided I would have to have a long line inserted into my arm to enable them to feed me TPN through it. I was so upset because all I could think about was it was another needle. I had had so many needles inserted in to my hands that my veins were starting to collapse Some days were worse than others … Often I wouldn’t even have the energy to talk to my husband Anthony or anyone else that came to visit. At this point I would like to say how wonderful my husband was through all of this. He was by my side day and night apart from when he was at work. All the driving to and fro from the hospital ( we lived an hour’s drive away from the Bon’s), the holding of my head when I was vomiting every 20 minutes, the emptying of that bowl so many many times, dealing with the Doctors, doing research in to Hyperemesis to see if anything more could be done to help me … I know many would say well that’s his job he is your husband but not everyone can cope with sickness like that. Weeks passed by, I was still vomiting even though I was being given anti nausea medication. I lost more weight ( I had lost 2 stone by this time) and the long line in my arm got infected so it had to be removed. They put a central line in to my chest that enabled them to feed me and give me my IV fl uids through it. A few weeks later this also got infected and they had to remove it and put another one in to On the 23rd of March ( Daffodil Day) at 25 weeks in to my pregnancy my gynecologist sent me for another scan just to wave to the baby and say hello as I had been quite sick for the previous few days. As with previous scans Anthony always came to the hospital from work to be there with me and to see the baby. The nurse that was doing the scan said she would just get the Doctor to have a look and left the room. She came back with the Doctor – he had a look at the isands newsletter 10

False said she would be back in a bit. Anthony just held my hand and we stayed like that for a while. He then started to ring our families and friends to tell them the awful news. I remember him saying to me at some point that day that I would have to be very brave over the next few days. I was still so sick at this stage I don’t think it sunk in until Suzanne came back to us and started talking about inducing me. I would be given 3 tablets to take in order to start labor. The rest of that day went in a blur – Sat too. On Sunday 25th March I was brought up to the labor ward and was given more tablets vaginally ( I had only managed to swallow 2 of the other tablets without being sick). I was given the epidural at about 4pm. I was still vomiting all the time. At 22.54 that night our beautiful little girl was born. She was a perfect little bundle – all 1 1b 12oz of her. For a split second when the midwife said it’s a girl I was so happy but then it hit me that I wasn’t going to be talking my much longed for daughter home. She was so beautiful… She looked like me. She had round chubby cheeks that we all had when we were small and all her cousins have – we call them ‘ The Foley Cheeks’. She had my long slim fi ngers and small feet and a little button nose like her Auntie Sheila... ( Anthony’s sister). We called her Ella. I remember handing her over to Anthony. He took her so gently into his arms, looked at her and said ‘ hello princess, we waited so long for you ‘ and then he just broke down. We cried so many tears that night. We held our darling little girl for so long. The nurses had given us a camera and we took photos of the three of us together. The following day family started to arrive . It was so hard to face them. We cried and cried. My gynecologist came in and out all day to see how we were doing. Over the next few days people fi ltered in and out , family, friends, nurses and Doctors who had being looking after me over the previous 6 months , all came to lend their support and give their condolences. As I was still vomiting and so sick Anthony had to organize everything. He asked my father for permission to bury Ella with my mom. He called the priest who married us and asked him to attend to Ella’s service. He rang the graveyard to organize for the grave to be dug. He asked my sister to organize fl owers. He went and bought a beautiful little outfi t to dress Ella in. The week went buy in a blur. I had to stay in the hospital as I was still very ill. On Monday and Tuesday we spent time with her, held her, talked to her, and told her how much we loved her. She was in a little moses basket in the pastoral care room in the hospital. They took Ella for a post mortem on Wednesday and when she came back Anthony dressed her. That day we put her into her little white casket, words cannot describe how we felt at that point . I didn’t think my heart could have been broken any more at that stage but I think whatever pieces were left to break just shattered in to the tiniest little pieces. How could life be so cruel? Why had God done this to us … what had we ever done for him to let this happen? On Sat 31st March we buried our darling daughter Ella with her Granny. I remember Anthony had to dress me that morning as I was so weak and still vomiting. At the graveyard I remember Anthony carrying Ella’s tiny white casket from the car and holding it so close to him while the priest said the payers. I’ll never forget seeing him kneel down and very gently place Ella’s casket in the ground, he stood up and just broke down. I remember thinking , this is not right , this is not the way it’s supposed to be, I held him close to try and give him some comfort. I had to remain in hospital for another few weeks as I was still vomiting. I eventually came home on the 20th April weighing just 6.5 stone. I had lost 4 stone in total. It has been a long road back physically but I have regained 3 stone and am now backing at work. We miss our little angel every minute of every day. I would give up everything I had just to hold her in my arms one more time. I have a constant dull ache in my heart because I miss her so much. My heart aches for the wonderful things motherhood would have brought... hearing her little laugh... seeing her fi rst smile, feeling her arms around my neck as she snuggles close … I will never hear her say ‘ I love you Mommy’ ... never comfort her when she cries. We love you darling Ella to the moon and back – always & forever Mom & Dad xxxx. I would like to say a huge thanks to ISANDS especially to Mary Ryan and Eileen Gaynor who have been a great support to both of us. I would also like to say thank you too my Gynecologist and all the nurses and doctors in the Hospital for their wonderful care and support. And most importantly I would like to give a special mention to my wonderful husband Anthony whose unconditional love, huge heart, and unwavering support have gotten me through thus far. He is my rock and I would be lost without him. Barbara McCoy isands newsletter 11