False broken. The chaplain asked the nurse to fi nd a Polaroid camera and she came back and took 4 photos. Only one of them is at all clear and it is, of course, our most treasured possession now. I called my mum but the phone was engaged. I then called my sister on her mobile and told her that she had a little niece. She was very upset and asked me if she could come in and see her. I thought about this for a few seconds and then said no. I remember feeling that it should be just the three of us, Niall, Laoise and I. I have gone back and forwards between regretting this decision and thinking it was the right one ever since. I found out afterwards that Deirdre had a camera with her, we could have had so many more photos of Laoise. I also think that Deirdre should have had the privilege of seeing Laoise because she was and continues to be the best support that I have had. However, I also thought that it would be unfair for members of my family to see her and not Niall’s. ( With the exception of one brother, his family are outside of Dublin and had not yet arrived up.) The chaplain advised us to set a time to say good- by to Laoise. We decided on an hour later, which at the time seemed ages. Our doctor arrived and examined Laoise and said that she appeared to be perfect. She asked me to sign the forms for the post- mortem, saying that since it was our fi rst baby it was very important for our future to fi nd out if there was anything wrong with her. When the hour was up, the midwife that had delivered her came back and we wrapped her up, we cuddled her and kissed her good- bye. I didn’t even think to ask where they were taking her. I fervently wish that we had had more time with her. Ever since, I have struggled so hard to remember every detail of Laoise as she was then and I just think it would be easier if we had had more time. I also wish that we had more photos, and that we had asked for the white sheet that she was wrapped in as soon as she was born so that we would have something that was close to her. The next few days went by in a daze as we organised Laoise’s funeral. Niall’s mum came from Limerick and his sister from Mayo. I was glad when they arrived, as I was very conscious that I had my family around me but Niall hadn’t his. We decided to bury Laoise in the cemetery near where my parents live, because we thought that we might move some day but they were unlikely to, she would always have someone close by. The day before she was buried, Niall and I went to the mortuary to see Laoise for the fi rst time since she was born. The gentleman in the mortuary was so kind and compassionate. My sister Deirdre, who was to have been Laoise’s godmother, had bought a christening bracelet for her. It was engraved with her name and Deirdre wanted us to put it in the casket with Laoise. The gentleman in the mortuary put it on Laoise’s wrist and he also placed a white rosebud from our wreath in her hands. We both tucked her in and closed the coffi n. This was truly the most diffi cult thing I have ever had to do. Niall later said that the most diffi cult thing for him was carrying her coffi n from the car to the grave. Eight months later, we are working hard to come to terms with our loss, each of us dealing with it in very different ways. I have read many books, looked up a lot on the Internet and been to ISANDS parent’s nights. I take a lot of consolation from listening to and reading about other people’s stories. Even though medical circumstances differ, the grief and emotions seem to be very similar in most cases. Niall prefers to deal with his grief in his own way. We have both been for counselling and it has helped. We have learned a lot about ourselves and about other people. There is a small core of people who continue to be there for us and talk to us about Laoise, but most people seem to have moved on and assume that we are moving on too. Laoise will always be a part of our lives, she will always be our fi rst baby. We will always miss her and never forget her. Even though we wish she was with us still, having her for such a short time was infi nitely better than not having her at all. She has changed our lives and strengthened our love. We are going to have the following verse on her headstone: Our joys will be greater, Our lives will be fuller, Our love will be stronger Because we shared your moment. Claire Buckley. isands newsletter 75

False 1999 Child Of Peace Among the quarrelling of girls and boys, You were born and gone- such a short life to lead. I was told I was wanted, little did I think of it Until I bounded up the stairs to see a face full of sorrow. Dad sitting there with a single tear rolling down his cheek, And my oldest sister, Ruth saying “ I’ll arrange everything” I was told you were born and gone Like a fading rose- Beautiful in bloom. You were peaceful in heaven We called you Salome ( Peace) You brought us both grief and joy- Within a few minutes of joy there was pain- A feeling of extreme grief. Your little white coffi n was there, Needing only Dad to carry it. So Little yet so big. Now, fi ve years later the extreme grief has passed. You remain a part of me and the rest of the family, forever For you are a child of peace. Sarah Coughlan ( 1995 age 14) isands newsletter 76