Losing LiamOn the 8th July 2009 our lives changed forever. Stephen, our two daughters and myself went for my routine 34 week appointment at our hospital. I was the fi rst patient in so I was the fi rst called. My doctor asked me how I was, and mentioned that I had an appointment with the anaesthetist on the 21st July (I was supposed to have a c-section because the baby was breech). The doctor asked how my kicks were, (as I had been in the week previous with low foetal movement), so I mentioned that I had hardly any kicks the day before but that I had two while waiting to go into him. The doctor said that my blood pressure was a bit up so took me through to do a scan. I ushered Stephen & the girls into the corner where they could see. I lay on the bed but as soon as he started the scan I could tell something was wrong, my husband's face and the doctors face said it all. The doctor asked for the Head Consultant to be paged, so I just asked him if something was wrong, he looked at me glumly and nodded, I asked if my baby was dead and he nodded and said yes. There was no heartbeat, I couldn't believe it and started crying, but I had to pull myself together as my youngest daughter Grace (3 years old), started crying from fright. As we waited for the Head Consultant to come we were moved to another room, Stephen and I explained to Scarlett (4 years old) and Grace that their baby brother had died. We then called both our parents to tell them, although my poor husband's heart was broken and he couldn't talk and I had to do the honors. The doctor then came in to say sorry and to tell me my options, they were very nice but they had the hard task of telling me that I had to wait until the following Tuesday (6 days later) before they would induce me, to give us time to let it sink in. So we were sent home, and we really didn't know what to do. We asked my mother to look after the girls as we were both in total shock. Over the next few days we contacted the Priest, bought our burial plot, put away some of his clothes (the ones from my hospital bag), all very hard to do but we had to try and carry on as normal for our girls so we sent them to their play group, and tried to be cheerful but it was so hard to do. Tuesday arrived but they had reconsidered their course of action, because of a previous section they had decided it was too dangerous to do an induction (my womb and uterus could rupture), so they did a sweep and sent me home with instructions to come back the next Monday.That week Stephen and I did the best that we could do, we packed all the baby's clothes away, and tried to look after the girls as best we could. The next Monday (20th July) they did another sweep and sent me home, but this one was much more successful and by the next day (21st July) I was in labour. I had sent Stephen to Dublin to collect his uncle who had fl own in from New York and convinced him that I was fi ne! But by 3pm that afternoon when Stephen came home I was having full and regular contractions. I held on for as long as I could but then a friend advised Stephen to bring me into the hospital as my contractions were only 3 mins apart. When we got to the hospital (4.50) they were 2 mins apart and I was 5cm dilated. I was so thrilled to have got this far by myself as my fi rst two labours had lasted 30 hours for the 1st and 12 hours plus an emergency section for the 2nd. I had an epidural at 6.10pm and after a 4 hour labour my beautiful baby boy Liam was born, he weighed 6lbs 1oz and measured 43cms long, big for 33/34 weeks. He looked just like his sisters, the same nose and lips. He also had a great colour considering he had died two weeks before, this was one of my biggest fears that he would look like a monster. He had big hands and small feet, but he was just so perfect. We couldn't understand how he could just have died. Our hearts were broken, he was the little boy we had planned and prayed for, his daddy's pride and joy. We only got to hold him in the delivery suite as he was so delicate; he was dead two weeks at this stage. However we did spend two nights with him in the hospital in our own private room, these two nights were precious and very peaceful and the staff of hospital were unbelievably kind and helpful. My doctor was very kind as were the nurses. On Thursday 23rd July 2009 the nurse placed Liam in his coffi n and put the jewellery I gave them on him (a gold crucifi x and a baby bangle). We placed pictures of his sisters and of us in with him. The teddy that he had with him from the minute he was born was put in (we bought two, one for Liam and one for ourselves which we sleep with every night), along with two sets of Rosary beads. One set belonged to Stephens Aunt who had passed away in May and another belonged to my niece, these were her First Holy Communion set. We were released and brought Liam home and placed his open coffi n into his cot and played his projector to him (we had the whole room set up as the nursery from around 27 weeks).That evening we had a Mass at home with only close family and we buried him in what will now be our fi nal resting place. Putting his lid on his coffi n for the last time isands newsletter10

was awful I just kept kissing him goodbye but unable to do it, but fi nally we had to do it. He was obviously a very happy soul as it poured buckets and it was continuous until his due date on the 16th August. Liam was already very much part of our family. Only God knows why this happened, but all I know is that our precious little boy was taken, and even though we have had our lives ripped apart we are not angry or bitter, and we are not blaming anyone. Everyone kept asking were we not angry about this, but as there is no-one to blame what is the point of being angry, we are just very, very sad. Sadness and loneliness are hard enough to deal with, without killing yourself over blame and anger. I know my son was created, died and was born through love and we will never forget him, ever. He was the love of my life, and although I know I am lucky to have two wonderful girl's (and they really are fantastic), I will always miss my little boy. Sometimes I forget that it has happened to me, I wake up in the morning and everything is good, and then I look at his photo's and smile because I know how lucky I was to have been deemed worthy to have carried a soul as beautiful and pure as my little boy. I don't want to sound patronizing but if I had one piece of advice I would say to remember that we are so lucky to have these babies in our lives. Yes it would have been wonderful to have watched them grow up, but you have to realise that life isn't always fair. Personally I believe "its better to have loved and lost than never loved at all".Liam, Mummy and Daddy love you always and forever, we cannot wait until the day we see you again, but until then we will look after your sisters and each other. Love you eternally Mummy & Daddy xxxxxxxxxxPamela McCormack. Cootehill, Co. Cavan Angels, in the early morning Angels, in the early morningMay be seen the dews among,Stooping -- plucking -- smiling --  ying --Do the buds to them belong?Angels, when the sun is ho estMay be seen the sands among,Stooping -- plucking -- sighing --  ying --Parched the  owers they bear along. by Emily Dickinsonisands newsletter11