help with the other children so it seemed like a good idea. Due to my previous section my consultant didn't want to induce me and babies with anencephaly are known to sometimes be weeks overdue. I felt like I was living a nightmare and I just wanted to finally meet my baby.There was silence as my baby was born and I held my breath waiting to see if there would be a cry, eventually there was and I was so so glad my little one was born alive. I had to ask whether it was a boy or girl while they were wrapping her in a blanket (I'd requested a hat be put on the baby before being brought to me as I was so afraid of my reaction) and was so delighted to be told I had another daughter! I loved her instantly and kissed and cuddled her as well I could on the operating table!My husband and our new baby Doireann were allowed to stay with me in the recovery room. We had her Baptised by the hospitals counsellor, who's was also a nun and she took some photos of the three of us.When we got back to the room I was overwhelmed by all the family that came to meet Doireann. Her four grandparents, her big brother Jack, lots of her aunts, uncles and one of my aunts all came to hold her and welcome her to our family. There were so many tears, except from my husband and I. We were just so delighted to meet our daughter and so proud to show her off to all the family.Doireann was a little fighter, she only took the odd breath and yet she stayed 6 hours with us. She passed away peacefully in her Daddy's arms. He said he felt like a piece of his heart physically broke off at that moment.As I write this we are approaching her 6 month anniversary, I cant believe we have actually got through the last few months, it doesn't seem possible. Doireann will always be part of our family. Our three other children talk about their little sister and the twins love visiting her and bringing her flowers, they chat away to her at the grave, which is both heart breaking and beautiful at the same time. I will always miss her so much, my forever baby. xJillian Lyonsmoments17

7th September 2009 - 18th September 2009Having EthanI think that most women dream about being a mother at some stage in their early life. For me it was no different. I looked forward to the day when I would embark on the journey of motherhood. I've always been a very maternal person.So one Saturday morning I did a pregnancy test with my partner and we got the result we had been hoping for since a long time. We were going to have a baby! I embraced being pregnant with all my might. I marvelled at my belly every day and night waiting and waiting for those kicks to start. And when they started, there was no stopping. My little baby was an active baby, all throughout his time in my belly. It was pure delight and joy.My hospital appointments were all straightforward, my baby Junior, as we all called him/her, was doing just fine. I went 10 days over and was brought in to be induced on Sunday 6th of September. I had been looking forward to the labour and birth, there was no fear, no panic no nerves. I was very calm about it. So when the pains started I needed some pethidine at 2cm. Adam was told to leave to take a break as he would probably be here all night, so the mid-wife and Adam left me. So of course the pains intensified and when they came back over an hour later I just roared at her 'I need to push'. I was 9cm. So I needed an episiotomy and had a vacuum delivery. Because I had no epidural I savoured the moment of feeling my baby being born. Our son was born at 19:53 weighing 3.46kgs. He cried to our delight and Adam confirmed that yes he had 10 fingers and 10 toes. Our baby was checked out and placed in my arms and I fell in love. My son was beautiful. A handsome, perfect baby. And he was mine. We were high as kites, thrilled to be parents, in love with the world for giving us this joy.That night I lay awake all night looking at our son. I was in awe of this little wonder. I watched him as he slept, as he moved his hands and I smiled as I could see his wonder at his hands and his surroundings. I fed him myself and sent Adam hourly updates. I had him in bed with me for most of the night as he slept cuddled in beside his mommy. It was then that I thought of Ethan as your name. I just had to convince your daddy.The following day things started to go wrong. You stopped feeding; your blood sugar levels went through the floor. A murmur was detected. All this and I still didn't think it would amount to anything serious. I was just waiting for you to be placed in my arms again. It was getting late so Adam was told to leave by one of the mid-wife's. 10-minutes later I was in a meeting room and the bomb was detonated.'Your baby has a congenital heart defect...hypoplastic left heart syndrome.surgeries...heart transplant...if it was my son or daughter I wouldn't put them through it.he will have to be baptised straightway. Go to Dublin in ambulance immediately...sorry mam'... And he left. I felt as if my whole world had just fallen apart, as if the sun, moon and stars had just fallen from the sky, as if my heart had been ripped out from my chest and stomped on a gazillion times. Adam came back, the priest arrived and you were baptised Ethan Noah Stack. I held you in my arms and told you that you were going on an adventure in the ambulance up to Dublin and that you were to be a good boy for the doctors and nurses. I told you that I loved you, I held you close to my heart and I didn't want to let you go. I put you in your incubator and told you that mommy and daddy would see you tomorrow. And off you went. And mommy and daddy fell apart. I made an unconscious pact with myself that I would pull myself together whenever I was with you. You needed your mommy and you didn't need to see me when I was a complete wreck.What ensued next was a dash up to Dublin and a vigil beside Ethan. You looked so perfect, you were so perfect to me but your little heart wasn't and they don't even know why. We met so many professionals, cardiologists, surgeons, nurses, ICU managers, social workers, registrars, cardiac nurses, chaplains. They were all so kind, so caring, so compassionate, looking out for us and doing everything for you our baby.We had to make a decision- would our baby go through lots of surgeries and still have a defective heart or would we allow nature takes its course. Initially, all you want is your baby to survive. I wanted my baby to live, to come home with his parents. Then, you learn about the high-risks involved in surgery, the side-effects, his quality of life, we would still out-live our child, life-long aftercare, and life-long medication. I didn't want my baby to die but I had to forget about me and think solely about Ethan. I looked at my baby, my beautiful son, who was getting bigger by the day, cuter and cleverer. You never looked sick, you were so alert and aware. I couldn't cope with the fact that our baby could die in surgery, and that I wouldn't be there to hold his hand. No parent wants their baby to be in pain or to suffer and I didn't want my baby to just so I could have my son. I just couldn't do that to him. So we decided to bring Ethan home. Back to Kerry where we could be a family for whatever time we got. We got a Garda escort out of Dublin and made it home. Our moments18