Wildflowers You belong among the wildflowersYou belong in a boat out at seaSail away, kill off the hoursYou belong somewhere you feel freeRun away, find you a loverGo away somewhere bright and newI have seen no otherWho compares with youYou belong among the wildflowersYou belong in a boat out at seaYou belong with your love on your armYou belong somewhere you feel freeRun away, go find a loverRun away, let your heart be your guideYou deserve the deepest of coverYou belong in that home by and byYou belong among the wildflowersYou belong somewhere close to meFar away from your trouble and worryYou belong somewhere you feel freeYou belong somewhere you feel freeT. PettyMary Frances CanningRemembering you on your 21st Birthdaymoments30

December 15th 2009 doesn't feel like a birthday to me but it is the birth day of my third child. On examination of how this day feels to me I found myself revisiting the many days, weeks and months of my third pregnancy - my pregnancy after the loss of my daughter Eve who simply stopped moving when I was 38 weeks and was stillborn.I merely existed during my subsequent pregnancy, waiting for something to go wrong, when I got through a day and nothing untoward had happened, I would be glad to see nightfall and know my limbo was shortened by another day. By night I would sleep with clenched fists, upon opening my eyes every forty minutes I would push and prod my growing belly, willing its occupant to prod me back, letting me know she was alive so that I could go back to sleep until the next prod. I found out at 18 weeks she was a girl. I had lost a girl now I was being given another chance to raise a girl. Or was I? Maybe I couldn't carry girls, maybe it was a cruel trick. Well I wasn't falling for it again, this time I would be ready for this baby to die. And so I retreated into my own isolated world, grieving for the baby I had lost a few months previous and secretly just hoping her sister would make it - but never saying it out loud. I wouldn't talk about being pregnant with anyone other than my husband because, well, he knew. I avoided all conversations about names, prams, age gaps and I focused on just getting through the days. I felt I needed a scan every few weeks and it would give me a few days that things didn't feel so negative, as I got closer to 38 weeks no amount of scans could convince me that I would bring this baby home. I was holding on by my fingernails. Sometimes strangers would talk to me about my obvious bump and I would pretend I was normal, exited about having a baby and sometimes I would feel such anger at myself for being so stupid or smug to think I could have another baby.December 14th arrived and I went into hospital, they allowed me the luxury of a trace for about 4 hours that evening. Many of you reading will know what a luxury that is, the comfort of hearing that fast, muffled beating. The next morning my husband arrived and I prepared for theatre, still frantically prodding my baby from time to time. I tried to explain to the midwife that I needed to hear her heartbeat in theatre. She couldn't quite grasp the urgency. Didn't she realise my baby might still die in the next five minutes?? Five minutes later my baby, our third child was born pink and screaming.Pregnancy After LossPregnancy after loss, for me anyway, was terrifying. It is as isolating as having lost a child. The fear that I would lose another one never left me, not for a minute. Having a friend in the same position, someone who understood the fear was paramount, we contacted each other daily with our crazy thoughts and she gave birth 3 months ahead of me. If she could do it then so could I. I was afraid that if I didn't bond with my daughter during my pregnancy that I might not bond with her when she was born, but I needn't have worried, we are besotted with each other. The night she was born I was in my room, I woke about 3am with the familiar clenched fists and prodded my belly as I had done for so long. Then I saw the balloons my sister had bought for me and they clearly said "Baby Girl". For the fist time that year I breathed a sigh of relief and although, after losing Eve, I wasn't sure I would ever feel it again, I felt happiness. She was here, she was safe.Liz Croninmoments31