December 15th 2009 doesn't feel like a birthday to me but it is the birth day of my third child. On examination of how this day feels to me I found myself revisiting the many days, weeks and months of my third pregnancy - my pregnancy after the loss of my daughter Eve who simply stopped moving when I was 38 weeks and was stillborn.I merely existed during my subsequent pregnancy, waiting for something to go wrong, when I got through a day and nothing untoward had happened, I would be glad to see nightfall and know my limbo was shortened by another day. By night I would sleep with clenched fists, upon opening my eyes every forty minutes I would push and prod my growing belly, willing its occupant to prod me back, letting me know she was alive so that I could go back to sleep until the next prod. I found out at 18 weeks she was a girl. I had lost a girl now I was being given another chance to raise a girl. Or was I? Maybe I couldn't carry girls, maybe it was a cruel trick. Well I wasn't falling for it again, this time I would be ready for this baby to die. And so I retreated into my own isolated world, grieving for the baby I had lost a few months previous and secretly just hoping her sister would make it - but never saying it out loud. I wouldn't talk about being pregnant with anyone other than my husband because, well, he knew. I avoided all conversations about names, prams, age gaps and I focused on just getting through the days. I felt I needed a scan every few weeks and it would give me a few days that things didn't feel so negative, as I got closer to 38 weeks no amount of scans could convince me that I would bring this baby home. I was holding on by my fingernails. Sometimes strangers would talk to me about my obvious bump and I would pretend I was normal, exited about having a baby and sometimes I would feel such anger at myself for being so stupid or smug to think I could have another baby.December 14th arrived and I went into hospital, they allowed me the luxury of a trace for about 4 hours that evening. Many of you reading will know what a luxury that is, the comfort of hearing that fast, muffled beating. The next morning my husband arrived and I prepared for theatre, still frantically prodding my baby from time to time. I tried to explain to the midwife that I needed to hear her heartbeat in theatre. She couldn't quite grasp the urgency. Didn't she realise my baby might still die in the next five minutes?? Five minutes later my baby, our third child was born pink and screaming.Pregnancy After LossPregnancy after loss, for me anyway, was terrifying. It is as isolating as having lost a child. The fear that I would lose another one never left me, not for a minute. Having a friend in the same position, someone who understood the fear was paramount, we contacted each other daily with our crazy thoughts and she gave birth 3 months ahead of me. If she could do it then so could I. I was afraid that if I didn't bond with my daughter during my pregnancy that I might not bond with her when she was born, but I needn't have worried, we are besotted with each other. The night she was born I was in my room, I woke about 3am with the familiar clenched fists and prodded my belly as I had done for so long. Then I saw the balloons my sister had bought for me and they clearly said "Baby Girl". For the fist time that year I breathed a sigh of relief and although, after losing Eve, I wasn't sure I would ever feel it again, I felt happiness. She was here, she was safe.Liz Croninmoments31

I was over the moon when I found out I was pregnant with Shannon. I had a scan done around 17 weeks and everything looked really well. I was almost 24 weeks pregnant when I noticed a lot of fluid and went straight to the hospital. I had a check up and a scan done, during the scan the consultant said do you want to know what you are having? And I said I would say a girl and he said yes you are right!I was told everything looked ok and to go home and get some rest but come back if it did not improve. I was so very happy especially to be told I was having a girl as I had 2 boys at home. But it did not improve and I ended up back in the hospital later that night. I could tell by the Consultants face that he was surprised to see me back. This time I had an eternal scan done when it was finished the Consultant left the room and returned with a nurse, I could tell there was something very wrong.He sat on the bed and explained that my membranes were coming through and I was either going to go into labour tonight or 1st thing in the morning. He then went on to explain that our baby will more than likely die a few minutes after birth. I will never forget that feeling; my chest became so heavy I thought my heart was going to stop. My poor husband tried to find the words to ask a million questions and asked to speak to all sorts of doctors as he tried to fix this situation. I was put on bed rest until the following morning and then got to speak to my own consultant. It turned out that my consultant was a specialist in preterm labour; he advised he was going to do a scan and see what could be done after that. So I had another scan, I remember lying there watching Shannon blowing bubbles with no idea of the danger she was in...After the scan I was told I could have a stitch put in but that this was very risky so late in my pregnancy. My membranes needed to be put back into place before the stitch and there was a very high risk that the membranes could bust and this would bring on labour. I said well I am going into labour anyways so can we do this right away? About an hour or so later I was wheeled upstairs; my poor husband and mother were in tears wishing me luck. When I got there I was brought into a smaller room and left on my own for a few minutes and out of nowhere I got this big strong kick as if to say I'm here. I spoke to Shannon and told her what was happening and promised her everything was going to be ok, that mammy was not going to let anything happen to her. I was so scared and after the procedure I heard the consultant say well done its antibiotics now and bed rest. When I came out I met my husband and mum they were both crying and saying how proud they were of me and everything was going to be fine now. It must have been around 9 o'clock that night when I started to get really bad pains. The pains got so bad and they were unsure if it was from the late stitch that was causing the pain or was I gone into labour. I was given all sorts of labour painkillers and there was talk of taking out the stitch something I would not allow. Around 4 in the morning it all stopped, I saw my constant the following morning and was told we would just have to wait and see what happens next..But the pains returned later that night and this time would not go away. I was wheeled down to the labour ward to have the stitch removed. Shannon was born pretty much straight away under horrifying circumstances. The room was filled with all sorts of Doctors; I didn't get to see her as Shannon's Storymoments32